BACKSTAGE PASS TO THE GROIN TRANSFER

OMG! Now everybody in my new agency hates me even more coz ECD invited me to be his “special guest” in the audience of the filming of the new series of The Groin Transfer! We went to the Lansdowne on Broadway first and got totally smashed on cocktails so when we got into the ABC studios we were pissing ourselves every time the American warm-up comedian said anything whatsoever. No idea if he was funny or not, coz I couldn’t even see straight let alone think straight. Then Wil Anderson comes out and he looks soooooo hot I nearly wet myself (but that might have been the margaritas) and I gave him a little wave and I think he recognized me from the Rap party last year coz he gives me this weird stare and looks like he’s trying to remember where he knows me from. I couldn’t quite hear what he was saying but then he shouts “We all have the Clap!” which made me kinda crap myself. I turned to ECD and said what did he just say and ECD explains he was telling the audience that whenever Todd or Russel say anything that sounds intelligent “we all have to clap.” Whew! Anyway, the warm-up stuff went on and on and it reminded me of my Uncle Dirk’s stand-up act at the Yagoona RSL where everybody laughs everytime he says “Master Bates.” Finally the panel came out and Russel and Todd started banging on about Coles and Woolies and I fell asleep, or rather, passed out. Then ECD wakes me up and they’re in the middle of this hectic argument about climate change and the carbon tax ads. Dee and Rowan are arguing like crazy with each other (get a room, you two!) and trying to get more noticed than each other so they get longer in the final edit. Then Russel goes “Advertising is the most important thing in democracy” or some random stuff that I can’t remember coz by now I had fallen asleep again on ECD’s shoulder. When I woke up he was licking my ear which was sooooo feral but kind of hectic too. Then Barry O’Farrell turns up on the stage and starts telling us that Canberra is a crap place to live and how it’s responsible for causing climate change with all the roundabouts which I thought was a really interesting point. Then ECD goes it would be really cool if I threw my knickers up on the stage like they do with Tommy Lee Jones but it was kind of embarrassing coz after I’d been trying for about three minutes to get them off I suddenly remembered I wasn’t wearing any. Oops. Then they said that we all had to wait around for like forever coz Wil had messed up some of his lines and they had to redo them again. Then ECD said that he wouldn’t mind messing up a few lines and went off to the loo. When he came back we both crawled under the seats into the backstage area, and then I tried to get us into the Groin room so I could introduce ECD to Wil and everyone but this fierce security guard wouldn’t let us in and said that my behaviour was “a disgrace.” As if!