BLONDE STREAKS AND RED HAIR

OMG! Blonde streaks in red hair. Sooooooooo wrong. And it's all my fault! One of the last things I did before I left my old agency was to send some samples of our Carbon Neutral Shampoo range to Mr Tim Gillard c/- The Lodge, Canberra coz when I met Julia's Main Squeeze during the carbon tax pitch I promised him that if he'd agree to be a "brand ambassador" and leave "product placements" lying around everywhere like at the United Nations and in the dunnies at the White House then I'd send him a bunch of freebies if we won the account. He got all excited and said that he was looking for a proper ambassadorial role coz Canberra is like the lamest place in the world coz its freezing cold and there's nothing to do except ride your bike around that stupid lake and stare at the ejaculating fountain. Then he said he couldn't wait for the next election to be over and done with coz he was desperate to move back to Melbourne. Anyway, we didn't win the pitch even though our ads were heaps better than the lame ones they chose with all those people building windmills and stuff and I forgot all about it but then when I was packing up to move to my new job I found all these samples under my desk and I remembered Mum always told me you've got to be politically astute if you want to get on in this world (like she did when she agreed to "go for a few drinkies" with the Yagoona Head of Urban Planning just so she could get DA approval for Josh to move into the garage even though it's made of asbestos) so I sent the samples off to Canberra with a note telling Timmy it was time he gave his missus a new look. Anyway, I forgot that the Carbon Neutral formula contained yoghurt and avocado (it was basically exactly the same as our ‘forest delights’ range except with less soap in it) and had this hectic use-by-date which is why Woolies and Coles wouldn’t touch it with a bargepole and the packs had been sitting under my desk for at least two years and I guess they must have gone rotten coz next thing Julia pops up on the news to tell everybody how awesome her government is and how she’s totes in control and she’s going to lead them to the next election and all her cabinet ministers are sitting around this big table with these miserable long faces coz no-one dares tell her that her hair has gone this hectic surfy/ranga look. Oops. Even Penny Wong looked embarrassed and that's saying something, and Greg Combet just sat there shaking his head in disbelief. Anyway, Julia didn't seem to notice and of course Timmy was nowhere to be seen. Apparently he was off having lunch with these fierce Miss World contestants to raise money for charity. I'm surprised Julia let him, but I guess she must know he's totes not the type to be interested in a bunch of hot babes cavorting around the Lodge in their bikinis. Hope they don't ask him to do their hair.

BACKSTAGE PASS TO THE GROIN TRANSFER

OMG! Now everybody in my new agency hates me even more coz ECD invited me to be his “special guest” in the audience of the filming of the new series of The Groin Transfer! We went to the Lansdowne on Broadway first and got totally smashed on cocktails so when we got into the ABC studios we were pissing ourselves every time the American warm-up comedian said anything whatsoever. No idea if he was funny or not, coz I couldn’t even see straight let alone think straight. Then Wil Anderson comes out and he looks soooooo hot I nearly wet myself (but that might have been the margaritas) and I gave him a little wave and I think he recognized me from the Rap party last year coz he gives me this weird stare and looks like he’s trying to remember where he knows me from. I couldn’t quite hear what he was saying but then he shouts “We all have the Clap!” which made me kinda crap myself. I turned to ECD and said what did he just say and ECD explains he was telling the audience that whenever Todd or Russel say anything that sounds intelligent “we all have to clap.” Whew! Anyway, the warm-up stuff went on and on and it reminded me of my Uncle Dirk’s stand-up act at the Yagoona RSL where everybody laughs everytime he says “Master Bates.” Finally the panel came out and Russel and Todd started banging on about Coles and Woolies and I fell asleep, or rather, passed out. Then ECD wakes me up and they’re in the middle of this hectic argument about climate change and the carbon tax ads. Dee and Rowan are arguing like crazy with each other (get a room, you two!) and trying to get more noticed than each other so they get longer in the final edit. Then Russel goes “Advertising is the most important thing in democracy” or some random stuff that I can’t remember coz by now I had fallen asleep again on ECD’s shoulder. When I woke up he was licking my ear which was sooooo feral but kind of hectic too. Then Barry O’Farrell turns up on the stage and starts telling us that Canberra is a crap place to live and how it’s responsible for causing climate change with all the roundabouts which I thought was a really interesting point. Then ECD goes it would be really cool if I threw my knickers up on the stage like they do with Tommy Lee Jones but it was kind of embarrassing coz after I’d been trying for about three minutes to get them off I suddenly remembered I wasn’t wearing any. Oops. Then they said that we all had to wait around for like forever coz Wil had messed up some of his lines and they had to redo them again. Then ECD said that he wouldn’t mind messing up a few lines and went off to the loo. When he came back we both crawled under the seats into the backstage area, and then I tried to get us into the Groin room so I could introduce ECD to Wil and everyone but this fierce security guard wouldn’t let us in and said that my behaviour was “a disgrace.” As if!

FIRST DAY

OMG! Think I stuffed up big time. Arrived hungover on Monday morning for my first ever day at my new agency and it sooooo reminded me of when I was the new kid at Yagoona Primary School and all the boys were screaming out "Inga van Dick" and grabbing their crotches. The creatives are all staring at me and I don't even have time to be shown to my new office when we're suddenly told that all the staff have to assemble immediately in Reception for a totes uber-important announcement and then my new CEO stands up on the staircase (coz he's pretty short) and when all the ferals and randoms finally shut up he launches into this hectic speech about the future prospects of the agency and how after a long and arduous search he has found one of the most ruthless advertising brains in Sydney, who really "gets creative" and is going to be "a major player in re-focusing our agency's aggressive new business plans and goals for major FMCG growth" and everybody should be "very very afraid" and I'm thinking "Yikes who is this person I think I might have made a mistake here" when suddenly he turns and points at me! And everyone starts clapping and CEO walks over and puts his arm around me and squeezes my shoulders which was kind of creepy coz he's sweaty and Italian or Bosnian or whatever and goes "and I think you'll all agree she's pretty easy on the eye, too" and all the retards started laughing and whistling and all the chicks stare daggers at me. Then I get shown to my seat which is like in the "heavy" corner of the agency right next to CEO and opposite ECD and I'm thinking this could be really good or really bad or maybe even both. Spent the morning organizing my desk and all the time I'm like: "Yikes what the hell am I doing here?" and then CEO goes "Surprise! We're all going out to Inga's welcome lunch" and we go to this pub opposite the agency and everyone's there and we're onto the fourth round of drinks when CEO goes "so enlighten us, Inga - what do you think of the new Carbon Tax ads?" and I'm halfway through skulling a schooner of Becks and I try not to burp and i go "the Carbon Tax ads? They've got to be the lamest, gayest, blandest, dopiest ads I've ever seen, I mean what sort of moronic agency thought that a bunch of retarded bogans from Alice Spring bragging about their stupid solar panel rip-off business would make anyone care about some stupid old Carbon Tax anyway?" and I'm just about to explain how Mum had solar panels fitted to her place in Yagoona but they melted the roof when I notice the whole pub has gone quiet. Then CEO goes "um, you know that we did those ads, don't you?" Oops!

NEW JOB

OMG! I got the gig! Woooohoooo! I start next week. I can't believe it. After three years I've finally nailed it. My original plan had been to join a multinational agency so I could get friendly with their clients and then steal one of them to set up my own boutique agency with, but now I've been sucked in deeper and deeper and I've become a totes multinational whore. Soooo gay, but let's face it; the money is awesome! They're gonna be paying me way way above what I'm worth because they are so desperate to find a Suit who gets Creativity like I do. Mum went all weird on me when I told her how much I'm going to be earning (even though I lied to her and told her way less than what the salary actually is coz I don't want her trying to get her greedy paws on any of it) and she said that that amount of money was "obscene." As if! Then Siobhan goes completely spazzo at me when I handed in my reso notice this morning and starts screaming about how "that job should have been mine you two-faced little bitch" and all of that stuff but I just couldn't stop laughing coz it's so funny that now I'm going to be earning nearly three times what she does. How hectic is that? And she's been in the business for nearly twenty years. Too funny. I even said to her that if she plays her cards right I might think about letting her join me as my junior AD. At that point she picks up my iPad and chucks it across the room at me but it's still plugged in and bounces back and whacks her in the face. The best bit is that my new agency have put me in charge of the entire account all by myself. I can't tell you the name but it's the biggest account in the agency and it's worth squillions internationally, so apart from making heaps of tv ads I'll be traveling to all these fierce global strategy workshops in Bali and Florida. My flatmate Joolz couldn't understand why they chose me but I think it's coz I did exactly what Headhunter said and kept my trap firmly shut during the interview and the whole time their CEO was going "blah blah blah, which is a real strategic challenge in today's market Inga, as someone of your calibre and experience obviously knows" I just kept nodding my head and crossing my legs. Even though I didn't have a clue what he was on about. I told Headhunter that I was a bit worried that I might stuff up, but he goes "don't worry about it hun, this agency is in a class all of it's own - it boasts an unparalleled level of mediocrity and specialises in producing what without a shadow of a doubt can only be categorised as the lamest advertising in Sydney." Then he gives me this weird look and starts chuckling to himself before he goes "you know, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're running the place within two years." Wow! How cool would that be? It's sooooo inspiring when people in the know express confidence in your abilities.

PLAYING DIRTY

OMG! I got asked back for a second interview! Headhunter warned me that they think I’m way more experienced than I actually am, so his advice was to keep my trap firmly shut and let them do all the talking. He said the agency is soooo desperate for good suits that if I play my cards right I could actually land the Senior Account Director posi! Woo hoo! Money money money! There was one tiny hiccup when Siobhan came rushing into my office the day before the interview and she goes “Hey Ing, Ive just heard on the grapevine there’s a job going over the Bridge and they’re looking for a Senior Account Director. Whaddaya reckon, should I phone them up and go for it? Think about it, if I got the job it would mean you could probably get a promotion here! Maybe to Account manager!” I went all cold and clammy all over coz I realized it was exactly the same job I was going for, and if she rocked up for an interview straight after me they’d realize she was my boss and that I’m only a junior on the account. (I have to admit I did kind of leave the impression in the first interview that I run the entire shampoo portfolio all by myself.) I had to think fast so I go “Siobhan, you’ve got to be joking. I don’t want you to leave. No way am I ready to take on your job, and I’d miss you heaps. Besides which, everyone knows that agency is the gayest agency ever! Plus you’d have to go across the Bridge twice every day which is like a totes nightmare. And they’re all randoms and ferals over there and it’s a wasteland in terms of bars and coffee shops.” And Siobhan thinks about it for a few minutes and she goes “yeah, you’re right, Inga. Thanks for being honest and putting my interests ahead of yours. That’s what makes you special, hun. You’re a true friend.” I must admit I felt a bit guilty but this is advertising and Mum always says if you want a friend in advertising get a guppy. On top of which, Mum always told me (coz she knows about this stuff coz she worked in Neville Wran’s office for two weeks when she dropped out of school) that playing politics is all about saying one thing and doing the opposite. Anyway, when I turned up for the second interview I looked soooo hot coz Headhunter told me that the CEO was “of a Mediterranean persuasion” and likes his suits (all of whom are these fierce chicks) to look “suitably stylish.” Also in the interview was Head of Strategic Thinking and Executive Ideas Officer, who were these two random dudes who barely said a word and were obviously terrified of me. The power of the push up bra! But I really liked CEO and thought he was awesome. And kinda cute. He explained that as far as he was concerned I could do whatever I wanted with the account so long as I turned a decent profit every month, kept the Client sweet with whatever means I deemed necessary, and made sure the feral creatives did exactly as they were told. How hectic is that? I soooooo want this job!!

DREAM JOB

OMG! Just had this hectic interview at the best agency ever! Totes! When you go in the door it’s like nothing you ever expected. Instead of a TV and sofas and gay ads stuck up on the wall you walk into A World of Creativity! It’s soooo fierce. Props. Anyway, this bubbly blonde receptionist dressed in a frilly black tutu comes bouncing over to me and goes “did you leave your lotions behind?” which I thought was random coz I looked really hot but then I realised she must have been briefed that I’m one of the best shampoo suits in Sydney so she was trying to scab a freebie off of me. I explained I don't normally carry lotion samples with me, but she goes “No, no, no… I said ‘notions.' We want you to strip away any notions and expose yourself to who we really are." I didn’t know what she was on about, so I started to kick off my shoes, unzip my dress and loosen my bra, thinking it must be some free-love hippy type interview like the one I had to do at Yagoona Smash Repairs when I was at school. Then she goes “this is our Marketing Mantra" and reads out this ultra cool thing about the importance of creative collaboration which gave me goose bumps all over my body – although that might just have been coz I was still half undressed. The receptionist was so friendly and chatty that I confided to her that when the headhunter rang me he told me he can't get any good suits to go for interviews there but because I’m way more creative than most Suits then they’d be desperate to have me coz their creatives are really lame (hello? what's new?) and I could ask for double the salary they were offering and I’d probably get it! She laughed, and then she takes me into this fierce office and I realise she’s not the receptionist at all but she’s the Suit I’ve come to have the interview with. Oops! Anyway, she’s by far the nicest, kindest, smartest chick I’ve ever met in any agency. We cracked open a bottle of awesome wine and I explained how gay my current agency is coz New ECD keeps ignoring my suggestions about enhancing the creative process by involving the Suits more and she goes “way ahead of you on that one, hun" and explains that in her agency the creatives (who are all these feral dudes) have to show their work to her and the other Suits (who are all these awesome chicks) first - and she gets to approve everything, and she can change the work and tell the dudes how to make it better. And if she doesn’t like any of the work - which is most of the time! - she just tells them to start all over again. Only when she's happy does the CD get to see it. Soooo cool. The best bit is that her CD doesn’t really do anything apart from going “blah blah blah blah” in meetings after the Client has already signed off on it and it’s too late to change it anyway. The Suits run the show! Awesome! I’m sooo going to work there!