THE FIRST WEEK BACK AT WORK

OMG! Sooooo hate being back at the agency – or the Aspergers Society as Siobhan calls it. CEO is still on hols so the rest of the management team think this is the ideal moment to pretend that they’re in charge of the agency. As if! Every day MD, ECD, Head of Social Interaction, and Head of Strategy sit for hours on end at this gay round table in the corner of the agency in order to “navigate our road map to success.” I call it the Circle of Douche. Basically, not only do they not invite me to sit in on any of their useless discussions (let’s face it, without my account the agency would be like our receptionist at the Christmas party - on its knees!) but more importantly I’m the only suit in this agency who actually “gets” creative and understands what the whole “Gen Y social media vortex of confusion” is all about. The sickest joke is the fact that three of them are blow-ins who’ve only been in Oz for a few months, so… hello?? One’s Welsh or whateva and you can’t understand what he says coz it sounds like he’s trying to regurgitate his tongue, one’s Brazilian who thinks thongs are to stick up your bum and the other’s some pommy from one of those rainy communist towns full of striking northerners whoooo…. speeeeaak… reeeeaaaalllyyy… slooooowwlyyy… like they’ve spent way too long down the coal mines and got oxygen deprivation. No wonder the Iron Lady fired them all. Such a cool film. I saw it twice over Chrissy! My feral half brother Josh thinks Meryl Thatcher is “really hot” and now he’s stuck a poster of her up directly above his bed. (“In the line of fire”, as Mum says.) Mel Tankard Rice got the flick and now she’s in the bin. Anyway, the Circle of Douche came up with this slogan for the new year and have decided that this is our “year of decision and delivery” and we’re gonna make major creative decisions and deliver them in time for the awards shows. When I said that wasn’t original coz that’s the ALP slogan from last year ECD just looked at me blankly and later I heard him asking Siobhan if ALP was the name of an ad agency. Plus when I pointed out that last year we spent over thirty thousand ‘house’ hours on some random idea that was supposed to be this amazing PR/social media event but was totes a waste of the client’s budget and stuffed up all our proper jobs and did nothing whatsoever for sales and of course won nothing at ADMA or any other local award shows ECD went ballistic and started ranting how it won big at the Glasgow Originality and Novelty Art Direction awards (the GONADS). So then I pointed out that winning some random statue that looked like a pair of sheep’s testicles that he got all his mates back home in Scotland to vote for wasn’t exactly an encouraging start to the year. ECD stormed out of the meeting and next thing I get hauled up by HR and get an official bollocking and have to go for an Attitude Re-alignment Session with ECD. Or ARS, as it’s known. All in the first week back!