SLEEPING YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

OMG! Another year over and a new one just about to begin! And what have we chicks got to show for all our hard work? After all, take a good look around. There are thousands of female Suits, but how many ever make it to CEO? In fact, how many chicks are running any departments? Don’t even bother asking where all the female creative talent disappeared to. Advertising at the upper echelons in Oz is still very much a man’s world. So, as Mum always says, if you can’t make it to the top through political cunning, ruthless ambition, brains and superior talent, then why not try it the old-fashioned way? The only trouble is, who do you sleep with (first)? To help you plan your new year, senior account director Inga van Kyck explores the ups and downs of the agency fling. 1. The Junior Copywriter. Woo hoo! These dudes are soooo hot and I recommend them for the sheer random fun of the encounter. The junior copywriter comes with a massive ego, a wild imagination, and no strings attached. Boringly, he also comes with no money attached, but once you have him firmly in your grip, he’ll always be desperate to please you when it comes to doing last minute copy changes, client suggestions, weekend work, late nights on pitches and going behind the ECD’s back. And if you choose carefully you might end up with a future Group head or even CD forever in the palm of your hand! 2. The Account Manager. Yawn. Just as useless in the bedroom as the boardroom, the average male Account Manager is basically the nerd everyone bullied at school, and about as desirable as herpes. Invariably sporting a bad suit, bad breath, a bad haircut and a massive chip on his shoulder because you are his boss, the only possible reason for sleeping with your AM is to avoid having to give him a payrise so you can keep the dosh for yourself. 3. The Strategic Planner. Gay. And good luck finding one who isn’t. But if you do manage to, be warned, coz the average planner has only one strategy in mind; and that’s getting himself into the top job in the agency, no matter what it takes. Every move planners make is carefully calculated to avoid committing to any predictions or strategies that will come back and nail them. Slipperier than an eel on heat, planners make dangerous bedfellows in more ways than one. Especially those who pride themselves on their digital prowess and can only get passionate when they’re on Twitter. 4. The Senior Art Director. Why not? The best art directors are invariably female, highly strung, neurotic, paranoid and impossible to please, so if you’re going to be creative and sleep with some hectic member of the same sex, my advice is make sure she stays on top, coz that’s where SAD’s like to be. Along with their visual talent and skills they are totes OCD about the look of the ads and invariably have a fierce sense of style and taste. Although sleeping with a chick art director won’t do anything whatsoever for your career prospects, at least you know your briefs will always get done ahead of anyone elses. 5. The Production manager. Gross. Don’t go there. Ever. 6. The trade journalist. Highly recommended. Nothing beats a bit of positive PR when it comes to sliding your way up the greasy pole, particularly if you regularly get cited in the trade press as ”Up and Coming.” (Like me!) Trade journos are extremely easy to pick up (all you have to do is smile at them and they're all over you) and the good news is they’ve all got these hectic expense accounts to splurge on you. Even better, they’re so drunk they pass out before anything icky happens and then believe whatever you tell them next morning. 7. The ECD. Feral. ECD’s all think they are God and they’ve got a droit de senor where every chick in the agency has to bend over backwards for them, like those random medieval kings. Trouble is, ECD’s take way too much drugs and wake up sweating in the middle of the night coz they’ve suddenly realized it’s the deadline for Cannes and yet again they’ve got nothing to enter. Then they start shrieking at you that it’s all the Account Director’s fault! As if! 8. The Global CEO. Awesome! If he bothers to fly all the way out to Oz at this time of year then it’s dead cert he’s going to fire one of the senior dudes coz he’s just seen the end-of-year P&L figures. Here’s your big chance. Don’t miss it! Remember, the wife and kids are back in New York, he’s staying in some cool apartment in Balmoral and he’s gagging for female company. Dress totes hot coz you’ll be competing with the receptionist, the studio and IT chicks and half the account management department. Your secret weapon? Get him alone in the lift and tell him how lousy the current CEO is. In bed. Inga Van Kyck works under the covers in a multi-national agency and is a regular B&T columnist. Follow her on twitter @ingavankyck