TRAVELLING FIRST CLASS

OMG! How cool is first class? From the moment we got on board they kept topping up my glass with real Champagne not gross Jacobs Creek like Mum brought to my birthday bash last weekend the cheapskate! And after everything I do for her! The best bit is that the seat in First Class is like a whole bedroom and it turns into this hectic double bed so you can pass out while you’re still drinking, and watching telly just like at our flat only instead of Joolz waking you up and screaming at you coz you’ve spilled shiraz all over the sofa there’s this ultra hot chick (or sometimes a gay dude) who gently leans over and wakes you up, wipes you down and cleans up all the mess and then immediately refills your glass! Sooo cool. I watched Bridesmaids at least six times over coz I couldn’t work out how to use the retarded remote but I didn’t mind coz it was sooooo funny I was pissing myself the whole way. There were only two other people in First Class, and of course the ferals were all crammed in like live cattle exports in the back of the plane and I couldn’t help myself so whenever I went for a piss I’d deliberately pull back the curtain so all the povos got a flash of me waving a bottle of bubbly at them. Talk about daggers! Soooo funny. I think I must have dozed off in Bangkok coz they had to keep the plane waiting til they found me having a nap in the First Class lounge. Then at the security thingy I had to stand in this fierce machine like a transporter pod on Star Trek and they take an all over all-body Xray of you. The guy behind the monitor was some skinny little Asian dude and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Then the other randoms all rush over and insist on copping a feel which was kind of unnecessary coz as I told them its not like I carry a Kalashnikov in my knickers, which got them all yabbering at each other for another twenty minutes. Sooo funny seeing everybody giving me the evil eye when I finally got back on board. Like Mum always says, bogans have no sense of humour. I crashed out again on the plane coz of all the excitement and next thing I know we’ve landed in some random country I’ve never been to before. They made us get off the plane and stand in this feral long queue and they were all wearing turbans and the women all had these hectic headscarves and were all dressed like Darth Vader and the dudes stamping our passports all looked like those religious fanatics in Auburn and they wanted to know what I was doing there and I tried to explain that I was on my way to England for a shampoo creative conference – as the honorary Creative Director! - and they gave me this weird look. Then we got into the baggage hall and I was panicking coz I had no idea where we were and nobody spoke English so I deliberately started to cry and this really nice guy came over and explained to me we were at Heathrow. Oops.