AT THE GLOBAL CREATIVE CONFERENCE

OMG! How fierce is it being the Creative Director! I’m in London at this hectic shampoo creative conference coz I convinced CEO that I’m the only person with enough local knowledge about the brand so I should be the Australian creative representative. Everyone agreed, except Sydney ECD who was totes furious coz it meant he missed out on flying First Class and getting the All-Expenses paid two week trip but as I explained to the Global ECD (who’s this ultra hot black Jamaican dude with pink and gold dreads from New York) Sydney ECD is not only useless at coming up with ideas of his own but he doesn’t understand anything about the brand in the way that I do coz let’s face it I’m a hot chick who’s highly successful and doesn’t mind spending heaps of money pampering herself (which is the key target demographic) whereas Sydney ECD is a bald, retarded, overweight middle aged random from the 80’s who shops at Billabong (which definitely isn’t the target demographic). Global ECD agreed and we hit it off like a bushfire right from the word go and I guess he’s kind of taken me under his wings coz the other CD’s from around the world are jealous that he introduced me at the start of the conference as the “Wonder from Down Under” and it says in the glossy conference booklet that I’m one of the companies “Marketing Superstars of the Future.” As if! I was furious and made them re-print a special sticky insert saying I’m one of the Marketing Superstars of Today. The conference itself is ultra gay and we have to sit in these lame workshops about the future of our brands and everyone has to present a “Strategic Regional SWOT Analysis” which I sat up in my hotel room trying to write the night before but I couldn’t think of any strategies or opportunities for the brand whatsoever so I rang Global ECD in his room and he offered to come down and help me with it and we got stuck into the minibar and room service and what with one thing leading to another I never finished it. Next day I was sweating buckets but I put up this random pie chart and went “blah blah blah blah” – I mean, I actually used those words “blah blah blah blah” and I’d typed “blah blah blah” into each corner of the chart – and everyone was just staring at me like I was some kind of freak or on drugs and then suddenly I stopped mid-blah and froze like Global ECD and I had practiced the night before. Nothing happened for about five seconds then suddenly Global ECD jumps up onto the stage and goes “See? That’s what I’m talkin’ about! We may as well all just stand here going blah blah blah forever coz what we say here doesn’t count for shit out in the suburbs, the shopping malls and the salons unless we crack a really brilliant creative idea! That’s what we’re all here for!” The whole auditorium went nuts and everyone was cheering and clapping and Global ECD puts his arms around me and Global CEO jumped up on stage and said my speech was awesome and it was the sort of inspirational breakthrough we needed! Sooo cool.

TRAVELLING FIRST CLASS

OMG! How cool is first class? From the moment we got on board they kept topping up my glass with real Champagne not gross Jacobs Creek like Mum brought to my birthday bash last weekend the cheapskate! And after everything I do for her! The best bit is that the seat in First Class is like a whole bedroom and it turns into this hectic double bed so you can pass out while you’re still drinking, and watching telly just like at our flat only instead of Joolz waking you up and screaming at you coz you’ve spilled shiraz all over the sofa there’s this ultra hot chick (or sometimes a gay dude) who gently leans over and wakes you up, wipes you down and cleans up all the mess and then immediately refills your glass! Sooo cool. I watched Bridesmaids at least six times over coz I couldn’t work out how to use the retarded remote but I didn’t mind coz it was sooooo funny I was pissing myself the whole way. There were only two other people in First Class, and of course the ferals were all crammed in like live cattle exports in the back of the plane and I couldn’t help myself so whenever I went for a piss I’d deliberately pull back the curtain so all the povos got a flash of me waving a bottle of bubbly at them. Talk about daggers! Soooo funny. I think I must have dozed off in Bangkok coz they had to keep the plane waiting til they found me having a nap in the First Class lounge. Then at the security thingy I had to stand in this fierce machine like a transporter pod on Star Trek and they take an all over all-body Xray of you. The guy behind the monitor was some skinny little Asian dude and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. Then the other randoms all rush over and insist on copping a feel which was kind of unnecessary coz as I told them its not like I carry a Kalashnikov in my knickers, which got them all yabbering at each other for another twenty minutes. Sooo funny seeing everybody giving me the evil eye when I finally got back on board. Like Mum always says, bogans have no sense of humour. I crashed out again on the plane coz of all the excitement and next thing I know we’ve landed in some random country I’ve never been to before. They made us get off the plane and stand in this feral long queue and they were all wearing turbans and the women all had these hectic headscarves and were all dressed like Darth Vader and the dudes stamping our passports all looked like those religious fanatics in Auburn and they wanted to know what I was doing there and I tried to explain that I was on my way to England for a shampoo creative conference – as the honorary Creative Director! - and they gave me this weird look. Then we got into the baggage hall and I was panicking coz I had no idea where we were and nobody spoke English so I deliberately started to cry and this really nice guy came over and explained to me we were at Heathrow. Oops.