SHAMPOOING THE GROIN

OMG! Soooooo peed off right now I can hardly think straight! The Groin Transfer went and did an episode on shampoo and - get this! - they didn't even ask me onto the panel! Me! At my old agency they used to call me the Babe of the Bottle! The Queen of the Quiff! The Hectic Harlot of the Hairdo! I can't tell you how many times I've written to Tony Jones who runs the ABC telling him to do a Groin episode on shampoo and how I'd be happy to help out and he's never even bothered to reply and now this!! They nicked my idea! Soooo rude. I could barely bring myself to watch it! What's the point in asking Russel to talk about hair? Or Todd to talk about skincare products? To add insult to injury they even showed one of my ads from my last agency and everything they said about it was a pack of lies. Dee proved she knows nothing about haircare (which is kind of obvious) by saying that the only way to have lively hair is to have nits, which is simply not true! On top of that, they all reckoned that all shampoos are the same. As if!! Why didn’t they have Bridget on the show? She’s the only chick on the ABC who’s got hot hair. At first I thought my old ECD Matt Eastwood must be having a mid-life crisis coz he’d put on a stack of weight since the last time he was on and worse than that he’s grown his hair really long and dyed it black. Dude - just coz you've found a few grey ones!! We've got shampoos for that! But then I realized it was some other random called Adam. Apparently before he got into advertising he “had a job” in a prison. As if! I can’t tell you the number of guys who try to crack onto me at Bankstown RSL and tell me they used to “work” at Longbay. The name of Adam’s agency is Naked, which hopefully wasn’t his nickname back in his prison days. Then Wil announced that they’re going to privatize the ABC which is probably about time too coz clearly they need some new shows. My idea is to do my own panel show and I’ll get it sponsored by my old shampoo client. I’m going to be the star of the show but I’m going to get Mum and Josh and a couple of my bf’s from Yagoona to be on the panel and we’re going to discuss shows like The Groin Transfer and Talking About My Generation and tell everybody what we think of them. It’s going to be a panel show about panel shows. I’ve written to Tony Jones about it but of course he hasn’t bothered to reply. So the other night I stayed up to watch Q&A so I could tweet Tony Jones using the hash tag at the bottom of the screen but it was so boring I crashed out and woke up in the morning on the sofa covered in red wine and had to rush into work without even having time to have a shower and get changed. But it didn’t matter coz I use a really hectic shampoo and my hair still looked hot!

THE PAST CATCHES UP

OMG! Looks like I stuffed up big time in my old job. Lucky I got out just in the nick of time before the formaldehyde hit the hairdryer. Siobhan phoned me in a real panic coz last year we ran these one-off promotional ads to offload this professional hair straightening sku (called Columbian Curl-out) and nobody checked the copy properly and the stupid copywriter wrote that the product was free of any dangerous chemicals when of course the complete opposite is true. It’s free of SOME dangerous chemicals but its got heaps of one of the others. And it’s like this totes cancer causing feral stuff. Oops! Now everybody at my old agency is running for cover and looking for a convenient scapegoat so of course they're all blaming me for writing down the brief incorrectly. As if! Anyway, the worst bit is that head office in Baltimore have gone completely spazzo and reckon that "heads must roll" in Australia. Siobhan is already running around like a headless chook trying to recall all the promotional packs that were sold. So far she's found about half of them, but she was really peed off at me and said that my data processing and inventory-keeping were "atrocious beyond comprehension" whatever that means. Now all sorts of hectic government bodies and hairdressers unions are getting involved and everyone’s suing everyone else. Gay. The whole thing was in the weekend papers and on radio and I was crapping myself that my new CEO would hear about it and sure enough straight after the Monday morning staff meeting he calls me into his office. He makes me sit down and then I realized CFO was already sitting there too looking ultra serious and so was this other fierce dude who said he was some kind of lawyer. Anyway, it was obvious they were going to fire me and I was desperately wondering how I could lie to Mum and pretend that I'd been offered a better job somewhere else when CEO goes "Inga, this in incredible news! And such good timing for us." Then he gives me this creepy wink and touches the side of his nose and goes "a cynic might say you'd done it on purpose! Nothing beats leaving a few landmines lying around behind you, eh?" The others all burst out laughing so I laughed along too even though I had no idea what the joke was about. Then CEO goes "I've already been in touch with their head office and they're really keen on talking to us. Apparently the account has been a total mess ever since you left! As soon as I mentioned that you were our most senior account director... Well! Let's just say things are looking pretty good! I'm off to Baltimore tomorrow and according to my contacts over there it’s already a done deal. Champagne all round when I come back with the contract! Awesome job, Inga!" Then they all started shaking hands with me and CFO goes "of course you're entitled to a pro rata percentage of the billings" and the lawyer dude goes "If anyone asks, remember, they approached us, and not the other way round!" then he chuckles and they all patted me on the back. How good is that?