LITTLE MISS PERFECT GETS FIRED

OMG! Two of our best creatives have just been nigelmarshed! What is wrong with this place? Why do they keep firing everyone who is any good? It’s like some hectic reality TV show the way they keep eliminating people here. OK, Little Miss Perfect was a totes pain in the arse at times but that’s only coz she cared passionately about her work and wanted us to do really cool #winning ads. Props! Isn't that why we're all here? Siobhan reckons new ECD is such a fierce control freak that he fires any creative who he knows is more talented than he is coz he wants to look good and do every ad all by himself. No wonder everything we do is soooooo lame! Besides which, CEO admitted at the Christmas party when he was off his face on coke that the secret to his success within the network is that he fires someone high profile every three months coz that stops all the retards and ferals from asking him for a payrise coz they're too shit scared all the time that they'll lose their jobs and it saves thousands of dollars every year in payrises that were already budgeted for so it seems like he's turning a profit and the network think he's a hero! And so they give him a massive payrise! Soooo #unfair. On top of that, CFO confided to me the other day (alright – it was at three o’clock in the morning after six bottles of Shiraz and we were up in his investment penthouse in the Toaster – aptly named the way he kept popping up all night long) that the reason CEO keeps firing people is to cover up the fact he hasn’t won any business in the last eighteen months! That way he can blame the people who he got rid of and sell a new “Agency Narrative” presso to the network and all the gay pitch consultants. So far he’s fired Head of Planning, Head of Account Management, Head of Recruitment, Head of IT, Head of PR and of course Head of Client Services who was random but kinda cute. Not to mention how he got rid of old ECD who was like the best ever and replaced him with New ECD who is about as exciting and talented as my semi-autistic brain-damaged half-brother Josh. Every time CEO fires someone he stands up in front of the whole agency and goes "this is a new beginning blah blah blah" but of course it never is! We haven't done a decent ad in forever (since old ECD left, actually). Mum keeps saying to me when are you losers going to stick an ad on the Telly that I can actually tell the girls at the Yagoona RSL about without cringing into my vodka in embarrassment? Last night during Masterchef she saw my new Cranberry Shampoo ad which New ECD wrote all by himself and she reckoned it was the worst pile of rubbish she's ever seen. She reckoned if they did a taste test on the creative work at our agency New ECD would already be facing elimination and be packing his bags to head back to wherever it was he came from. Which is probably exactly what CEO's got in mind!