CARBON TAX PITCH PT 2

OMG! Soooo excited about the Carbon Tax Pitch. The tissue session went really well and they loved all the ideas except that they’ve asked us to make a few changes before the final pitch next week. In the original layouts we had this happy, smiling Mum holding a fistful of cash and behind her was this horrible smoking chimney-stack (with a graphic that says CO2) and the smoke belching out of the chimney-stack morphs into a brand new Bravia television. And the woman had a speech bubble that says “Thanks to the new CO2 Cashback scheme, my family are now $953.00 a year better off, so we can finally afford a new TV.” Everyone thought the ad was awesome and the government dude said at the end of the meeting that he’d run the campaign tomorrow if it was down to him, which gave me goosebumps in all the wrong places, although maybe that was just the air conditioning. We were so excited that we got completely trashed at the QANTAS bar at Canberra Airport, and when CEO saw the retards from the other agency – better not say their name – he took a chipolata off the food area and poked it out of his fly and said “Maaaate we just pissed all over you guys!” which we all thought was hilarious but the gay QANTAS staff got all worked up about it and almost wouldn’t let us on the plane. They sooo don’t have a sense of humour at airports these days. Last month I stuffed my feral half-brother Josh’s boogie board bag full of lawn clippings when he went to Bali with his dole-bludging bogan mates and the retards at Customs didn’t even think it was funny! Anyway, none of us could be arsed going back to the agency after we got back from Canberra so we went to the Absinthe Salon on the way home. It wasn’t until the next day that we got the official email with some “suggested amendments and alterations” to our concepts. As usual the brief had changed. The really big problem now is that coz Kevin Rudd is suddenly trying to be PM again they want us to get Julia into all the ads so that it’s like she’s personally giving everybody all the money herself so that she goes up in the Newspoll and then she’ll win the next election. At first ECD thought we could just change the copy so it reads “Thanks to Julia Gillard and her CO2 Cashback scheme my family can now afford a new TV” but CEO said that wasn’t nearly visual enough. But then I had this hectic brainwave and said why don’t we just put the whole thing in the future and show Julia Gillard as a Mum with two cute little ranga kids sitting on the floor watching their new Bravia in a Carbon-Free world! Everyone thought that was a really fierce idea but when we sent it through to the government dude he goes “um, this is kind of embarrassing, but Julia Gillard doesn’t actually have a family coz she lives with this um ‘hairdresser’ guy and without putting too fine a point on it, um, the polar caps will look like Bondi beach sooner than those two have any kiddies.” Soooo gay.

CARBON TAX PITCH

OMG! It’s panic stations on the Carbon Tax pitch. The work has got to be ready next week for the first tissue session. All the Clients are going to be there, including Julia, Greg, Bob, Rob, Tony and some other random. ECD has had a nervous breakdown and had to be rushed to hospital so at the last minute we’ve brought in this gay freelance creative team who are sooooo up themselves coz they worked on Kevin 07 (although that wasn’t one of their lines - they reckon they had a much better one which was Manna from Kevin). CEO reviewed the work this morning and threw a mega spaz attack saying we were all idiots and had entirely missed the point of the brief. Head of Strategy disagreed, saying we were focusing on the balance of nature and CEO yells “any fool knows it’s all about tax cuts!” HOS starts getting hysterical about the “semiotic beauty of holding the balance of nature in the palm of our hands” but CEO cuts her off and yells that the only balance of nature he can see in the room is coming out the top of Inga’s bra and he’d happily hold them both in the palm of his hands but it won’t win us the pitch. At that point HOS storms out of the room and so we get ECD on speakerphone from the hospital where he’s high as a kite on some cocktail of free drugs (soooo not unusual!) and he goes it’s all about future generations and the only way to win the pitch is with shots of people’s grandkids playing happily in a carbon-free world but CEO goes “No! No! No!” coz that would only remind everyone what some dude said about it taking over a thousand years to fix global warming and we’d been clearly briefed to avoid at all costs any suggestion that the Carbon Tax would actually do anything to help stop Climate Change. One of the freelancers suggests maybe the brief is really about people power and nothing to do with CO2 and at that point CEO loses it completely and starts tearing down all the layouts from the wall and ripping them in half with his teeth and getting bits of paper stuck in his mouth and yelling “well if that’s the goddam brief, what’s all this shit?” which I thought was kind of unfair coz their ideas were lame but at least they were pretty much bang on what we’d asked for and I was just about to say that when HOS comes back into the room looking sick as a dog and goes “Email from the Client – with some minor revisions to the brief.” Everyone stares at her, apart from ECD who we can hear on the speakerphone demanding the nurse give him some more pethidine. “So? What is it?” says CEO, sounding ultra pissed off. “They want us to, um, emphasise how families are going to be at least $953.00 a year better off.” Everybody waits while CEO finishes pulling bits of paper out of his mouth. “Is that it?” he says finally. HOS sighs. “They’ve also changed the name. Now it’s called the Carbon Cashback Family Bonus Scheme.”